I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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