I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
