I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
