He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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