How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
