I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
