All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
