shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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