It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
