hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you traded sex for a burrito?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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