my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
