Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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