Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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