I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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