I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
