So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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