Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
