its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
