i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
