What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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