is your mom at the bar?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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