I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
