he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
