You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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