We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
