Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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