the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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