Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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