1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
