I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
