omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize