It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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