I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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