your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
