Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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