you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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