some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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