The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
