i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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