Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
