we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
