Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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