I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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