So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
