You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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