the condom got lost in my hair
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
