I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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