She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
