and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
