I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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