Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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