I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
