This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize