bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
