I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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