We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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