Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
