he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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