I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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