My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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